MY SPIRITUAL JOURNEY AND HOW I GOT HERE

What up peoples ?!?!?!?!

It has been awhile since I have talked to you and updated you with what has been going on in my life.

There is a lot to unpack and I am going to try to be as clear as I can.

Some of you wont understand were I am coming from and I am okay with that. 

THE BACKGROUND OF MY SPIRITUAL JOURNEY

So I want to give some background on how my spiritual journey.

Since I was a baby I went to church every Sunday .

As a teenager I went to youth group and I would put on a mask that I was saved .

 At a christian summer camp I thought I heard god call me to be a youth pastor/head pastor.

After that experience at that christian summer camp , I started to drink and use drugs

 At age 20 , June 9, 2009, I decided to get sober and get my life back on the right path.

October of 2009 I decided to answer a alter call and give my life to christ.

The next year I went bible school for a year , though I made some great friendships , I highly regret going to bible college because my school at the time was the most legalistic christ like place I have been a part of .

I literally got scolded for wearing basketball shorts in the hallway on the to the gym at the school because apparently my leg's would cause the ladies of school to fall into temptation lol.

From 2011 to 2012, I continued to go to church and a occasional bible study .

I struggled with my faith but felt like I was a bad person for struggling.

I felt like that eventually I would get out of this slump and I did somewhat .

In the fall of 2012 , I moved to New York and shared a house/church office with a pastor kid I knew from bible college.

That was an amazing experience , I made great friends and learned how to work a sound broad.

In the fall of 2013 , I moved To Pennsylvania and helped a friend of mine with his youth group.

Although I enjoyed my time in PA , it was clear I did not belong there .

In April of 2014 I moved back home ,Maine .

   I felt lost and felt i had disappointed god .

That summer I meant the love of life, that was a great summer .

A month after that a I was told by my parents landlord I had to move out of folks place because i was not the lease and I was given the weekend to leave . 

With no real options to stay in Maine , I moved to New Hampshire .

I couched surfed on my girlfriends couch and then stayed with a family for like month or two.

I ended up homeless from October 2014 to February 2016.

That year and four months was the worst experience I have ever lived through but was the best learning experience I could have.

After being homeless it made look different at christianity  and so called christians .

But I kept on trying to give my relationship with christ a shot and joined a church were I thought it was what I was looking for.

I moved back to Maine in 2016.

In the next part of this blog entry , I'll explain how this experience with this church damaged my mental health and started to question if I was ever saved .

PART TWO OF MY SPIRITUAL JOURNEY

  So in the fall of 2016 I joined a church that was and still is pastored my guy who I went to youth group with.

When I first started going to this church i felt like god was leading to be a big part of helping this church anyway I could.

I took over doing sound and video for Sunday service , I now highly regret ever volunteering to do that.

I was one of few people in the church that above and beyond in serving the church .

Don't get it twisted , I was not forced to go above and beyond , but when I didn't  go above and beyond i was made to feel to bad . 

I remember one time because my wife was not feeling good and  we could not open the church  , we are made to feel like we were being irresponsible.

 

Now its lets a little back further, the pastor in 2017 invited me to assembly of god pastor conference because he thought it would be interesting to me. 

It was not a bad conference until someone we both knew decided to give me a word of knowledge .

For those who don't know what that means, simply its " the holy spirit giving a person a word to tell a brother or sister in christ ".

The word that I was giving was that I was not called to be pastor and I needed to move on/get over it .

That word destroyed my world and put me on path self destruction.

I no longer cared about what choices I made, my mental health went down the tube.

I started my making irrational choices with my employment and how dealt with people .

I knew I was in a bad place and tried to reach out the pastor but instead of listening to me , he tried to say this was may fault and I was I sin.

When he finally realized I really was in bad a place , he suggested christian counseling, which the counselors he suggested never ever got back to me.

During that time I started to smoke pot , not to escape from problems but to help with my migraines, they were so bad .

I 'll get to why this important.

At the opening of the new building service , he announced the people who would be on the board of directors , he did this without the congregation knowing this was going to happen .

It rubbed me and my wife the wrong way , to be honest , my wife just had enough of his legalistic behavior .

We did sit down with him and his wife , that talk was really weird.

His wife definitely heard us out but you can tell on his face his mind was made up and did not want to hear us out .

He called me a drug addict because even though pot was legal in the state of Maine , federally its still illegal.

I let that go and we tried to make it work there but in the end we knew that this church was not for us .

So we left the church without talking to him because at the point we realized he did not want to hear our hearts.

So realizing Maine was not for us , we moved back to NH and both of us are in a better place now .

WERE I AM AT NOW AND WHAT I WANT PEOPLE TO UNDERSTAND

So since being back in NH I have tried to go to church but I am at point were I longer want to be a part of a church.

I am not sure what I believe in right now , to be really honest , just like when I was a teenager , I'm not sure if I was ever saved.

An to keep it 100 here is what I don't believe :

1. I don't believe being gay is a sin and I don't believe gay marriage is wrong

2. I don't believe in the rapture .

3.  I don't believe a " loving god " would send people to hell to burn .

Right now I don't read the bible or pray , honestly I have never felt so free in my life.

I am on a journey and I am not sure were this journey will lead me but I do know that I am going to become a better person because of this journey .

What I want people to understand is that I am okay , I don't need any pity because I am okay.

I don't hold any grudge against that pastor and his church , that part of the journey happen for a reason .

Most importantly what I want people to understand is that don't be afraid to question what you believe because being the most authentic version of yourself is beautiful.

Maybe at some point I might revisit my relationship with god or I might not , but do know I am excited to see were this spiritual journey takes me.

Thank you those who took time to read this and understand my heart , I love ya all!!!!!!!!!!!!